


Of Waffles and Weapons

by UbiquitousSpontaneities



Series: Side Quests and Small Talk [5]
Category: Linked Universe - Fandom, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Linked Universe (Legend of Zelda), Other, Waffles, guess who can’t stop writing crack, idk y’all this is way too much fun, no editing i die like the fool i am, the author claims no responsibility for irresponsible blacksmithing practices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22512913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UbiquitousSpontaneities/pseuds/UbiquitousSpontaneities
Summary: “I’m makingwaffles.”
Relationships: Four & Wild
Series: Side Quests and Small Talk [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1493024
Comments: 12
Kudos: 245





	Of Waffles and Weapons

**Author's Note:**

> i dropped in on the tail end of a truly amazing discussion about four inventing waffles on the discord so uh. here we are a week later. thanks garry and asfergus for letting me mess around with this disaster, i think i had a bit too much fun 😅. hope you all enjoy!

“ _ What _ are _ those?”  _ Four’s voice chimed from beside him, the Hero in question leaning over Wild’s shoulder rather dramatically to stare at the pan. His eyes practically sparkled as Wild finished another and set it aside. He lifted the bowl beside him to prepare the next as he spoke.

“Pancakes, want one?” He held up a dish, flashing a quick smile at Four as he deposited it in his hands. As soon as the plate was steady, Wild spun back around to the pan, barely fast enough to flip it before it could burn. Four fumbled for a second, plate wobbling. 

“Cool,” Four whispered, eyes wide. 

“Yeah, I don’t make them often, seein’ as they take a lot of concentration, but I figured,” Wild shrugged, “couldn’t hurt.” Now, Four knew how baking worked, he wasn’t Pita’s best customer for nothing, but this- this was new. He poked at the light, fluffy, bread-like disc with wonder, marveling at such a simple breakfast item. 

In what seemed like no time at all, although it definitely took an undetermined amount that a certain someone was too stubborn to look up, Wild whipped up enough of these “pancakes” to feed an army - or rather, the ragtag group of disasters that he proudly called himself a part of. 

After a round of wholehearted thanks and appreciative groans, Four found himself seated next to Wild once again, chowing down on some proper food for once.  _ Why did he eat such weird stuff, when he knew how to make  _ this? He shook off the thought, and turned towards his culinary mastermind of a companion. 

“Teach me to make these and I will- I will…” Four trailed, glancing around frantically for anything, anything to promise to the madman who had everything, and if he didn’t, could probably find whatever he wanted by climbing another fucking mountain or pestering some elder god or something. Hey, he didn’t know what Wild did in his free time. And considering the shenanigans he got up while they  _ were  _ there… 

“Okay,” Wild cut him off, grinning. Four’s eyes sparkled, catching the light from the fire, the trees, the turbulent sky above them- oh shit it was raining. 

The sudden downpour quickly doused the flames and rendered their delicious, delectable pancakes tasteless messes, a sludge of misery and disappointment that Four pushed listlessly off his plate. Despite the ongoing deluge, Hyrule continued to munch happily on the soggy breakfast, clapping Wild happily on the shoulder as he finished. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll still teach you,” Wild said, blissfully unaware of how thoroughly he would sidetrack the group with those 4 simple words.

–––––⊱▲⊰–––––

Wild’s lessons quickly proved to be fruitless, tiring, and endlessly frustrating for the aspiring pancake chef. No matter how hard he tried, they either came out too burnt, too raw, too small, too large (“Did you  _ really  _ need to pour the  _ entire _ mix in? You practically put out the fire!” “It was an accident! And Time said he wanted a big one!”), or simply too nasty. Hyrule and Wild enjoyed it immensely, considering it gave them a practically endless supply of food everyone else refused to touch, despite Wild’s insistence that it was  _ perfectly fine,  _ and no, those weren’t burn marks from where Four accidentally dropped it into the fire while attempting a needlessly complicated flip.

“I should be good at this! Why is it so hard,” he whined during their third “lesson,” Wild snickering beside him at the unholy mess. Wild’s mirth was much more subdued later, when it took them literal hours to scrub the residual flour, butter, and miscellaneous baking ingredients from his precious pans. 

“Did you try lowering the heat?” Wild mused. A long suffering groan and another round of dirty looks was his only answer. 

Wind swore up and down, and probably left and right too, just for good measure, that he had seen Four sneaking off to practice late one night. He also swore, to a much more varying degree of believability that Four was threatening the pan with various violent acts before declaring it his mortal enemy and accidentally knocking an entire bowl of batter on top of his head. Now, Wind wasn’t necessarily untrustworthy, but his tendency for exaggeration was infamous. The only thing that kept them from tossing out that last part like a 3-month old receipt found languishing in one’s bag was the ashamed and flushed look on Four’s face the next morning, frustration glinting in his eyes anytime someone tried to bring it up.    


And maybe the stubborn speck of flour that had decided to take up residence on the blue patch of Four’s tunic. 

This became a (concerningly) common occurrence, and rumors abounded about Four’s futile exploits to conquer the daunting beast that was the perfect pancake. On one occasion Legend remembered finding Four covered in the vile, uncooked batter, it’s potential melting into the ground along with his pride. On another, Warriors whispered about a thoroughly defeated Hero slumped to the ground, listlessly eating the half-baked batter with a spoon. 

Before whispers of an intervention could come to fruition however, Four had seemed to solve his problem. Well, solve may have been a strong word. He had solved it in the sense that a child solved a math sheet, that being by scribbling all over it frantically, regardless of whether it was coherent, correct, or comprehensible to the human eye, as Four had taken to in recent days. A manic grin and an incessant scribbling followed them constantly, barely paused long enough for battle as the unlikely band of mishaps made their way through life. 

–––––⊱▲⊰–––––

“I’ve done it.” 

Wild jumped, nearly tossing his spoon directly into the sparking fire before him. With a frazzled laugh, he turned towards Four. Four stared at the ramshackle blueprints before him, eyes shining as he looked to Wild. 

“Done… what, exactly?” 

“Solved it- the perfect pancake. I think I’ll call it-”

“What did you do?” Wind asked, sprawling himself over the log Four had seated himself on and efficiently knocking all the papers to the ground in one fell swoop - not unlike that of a cat, but with significantly more pizzazz. 

“I said-”

“Hmm?” Sky hummed, picking up one of the disheveled papers. “What’re these?” 

Four’s eye twitched. 

“Oh! Here you guys are!” Warriors called. “Oh, Four, what’s that for?” 

“You know what? Just for that, you all don’t get to know. Suck it.” He stuck his tongue out and left, scrambling to pick up the metric fuckton of paper lying on the ground before him before he left. 

“What was that for?” Warriors mused as they watched him go, disappearing up Twilight’s ladder - with not an insignificant amount of difficulty, considering he was still juggling armfuls of plans. 

“I dunno,” Wind said, kicking his feet in the air as he rolled head over heels off the log. “Something about that pancake thing again.” 

“Huh.” Sky wondered aloud, “Why’s he still so caught up with that, seems a little out of character for him.” 

“You guys just don’t understand the joys of cooking,” Wild grinned. “I for one cannot  _ wait  _ to see how this turns out.” 

–––––⊱▲⊰–––––

Much to Four’s (and the plot’s, but a certain someone would rather you not worry about that) convenience, the next shift plopped them into his relatively peaceful time. The shift, however, was anything but, as being violently ripped from time and space was wont to do, given the circumstances. As soon as their motley crew gained their bearings, he was off, racing towards home and barely sparing a second to remind them of the way. They’d been here a few times before, they’d be fine, right?

Well, wrong, considering they spent a not insignificant amount of time meandering through yet another forest - they’d appeared in a swamp - a graveyard, and Hyrule Town (not Castle, they always forgot that) before finally getting directions from a passing poet who quite clearly knew it. (Legend suspected Hyrule’s misdirectional field had gotten much too powerful for its own good, Hyrule suspected Legend was crazy.) They smelled the smoke before they saw it, a sharp toxic scent that burned itself into their nostrils. Not unlike a significant amount of Four’s attempts at the delectable breakfast item. 

“‘Oly Shit,” Wild sneezed and muttered. “The mad lad actually did it.”

After more than a few unanswered knocks, the elderly smith opened the door on the baffled Heroes. Sending a furtive glance at the door to the forge, he welcomed them in. 

“You boys know anything about that?” He thumbed towards the door. “Rushed in here like nobody’s business, barely even had time to say hello.” 

“I can’t say I do,” Time began, Wind snickering in the background. “I-”

Before he could continue, the door opened with a crash, Four’s eyes burning with excitement and pulling the warmth of the forge’s fire with him. “Guys,” he breathed, “I’ve done it.”

“Have you now? And what would ‘it’ be, Link?” his grandfather asked, peering at the peculiar pair of plates. The matching metallic molds sported a strange checkerboard like pattern, divided into four quarters. 

“I’m making  _ waffles _ .” 

  
  


–––––⊱▲⊰–––––

“ _ You did  _ **_what?_ ** _ ”  _ Four’s eyes blazed in the light of the forge, where a tub of molten metal lay forgotten. 

“Broke my sword…” Wild murmured, the blue-hot flames of his friend’s gaze cowing him for a moment.

“ _ Again, I’m -”  _ Four paused, and breathed for a moment. “Sorry, what is this - the fourth time?  _ Embers,”  _ he swore, glaring at the shards that lay in his companion’s hand. 

“And the shield…”

A moment of deliberation and Four spun around, moving to grab some tool from a shelf above them when- he knocked over the vat of smoking metal, directly onto his precious waffle iron, as Four had taken to calling it. 

Twin cries of alarm rang out, but all they could do was watch as the top snapped shut and somehow, inexplicably, the metal started to harden and cool. 

“W-” Four blinked. “What in the name of all the elements just happened.” 

They gaped. 

“Did we just… make a-”

“Waffle  _ shield.  _ Yes. It appears we did.” Four stared at the marvel before them as the halves of the iron fall away - impossibly, as the heat should have melted them - leaving a perfectly round  _ metal fucking waffle _ . 

Wild’s eyes practically sparkled with excitement as he poked it. “ _ Can I use it?”  _ he whispered, burnt finger tucked into his mouth. Four scrambled for his ice rod to treat the offending hand. 

“I mean,  _ I guess?” _ he wondered aloud, still baffled at the sheer impossibility. “How did this even- By all accounts, it doesn’t make sense…” 

His bafflement only grew as he watched the reckless bastard leave, proudly brandishing a metal waffle in lieu of a normal shield. Heck, at this point, Four would’ve accepted the pot lid again. The confusion became infectious, Twilight doing a double take after witnessing a fearless Wild whip out a metallic monstrosity of his own to fend off a guardian’s lazer. Legend nearly bit the dust one time, too distracted by his comrade literally using a weaponized breakfast item in a fight. 

Much to Four’s chagrin, it quickly became a normal part of Wild’s arsenal. Even worse, it worked well. Too well, even. A few weeks in Wild realized the damn thing was nearly indestructible, and it became a permanent fixture on Wild’s arm. One theory contributed it to the confusion, it didn’t  _ look  _ like a shield, so maybe the monsters weren’t attacking it as much, making it seem like it lasted longer. But no, Wild proved that wrong quickly enough as it replaced every other shield in his surfing rotation. 

Fundamental shift in their fighting patterns ensued, considering their most reckless member had essentially developed an immunity to most attacks. It wasn’t long before Wild started to demand other upgrades. 

One night, Four’s moaning about the desecration of his craft were interrupted by a feral look in Wild’s eyes, a recent convenience time shift and a watchless night spent safely in the walls of his home. 

So naturally, the next day found Wild eagerly practicing on a newly forged  _ waffle scythe _ and an exasperated Four swearing off smithing forever. 


End file.
